Transitions: Hitting 80, the Coronavirus and Some Practical Suggestions

By Stephen W. Buck

Steve Susman’s death from the coronavirus after he heroically survived a very serious bike accident reinforced what I wrote about my 80^th birthday – it was a great celebration and it made me feel old and vulnerable, particularly given the threat of the coronavirus hanging over us.

What to do about it?  In what follows I report on some books and questions that have helped me and perhaps could help classmates deal with transitions and the final transition.

The first thing I did was to discover a very useful book called “The Other Talk – A Guide to Talking with your Adult Children About the Rest of Your Life.” (The first talk, of course, being the bare 1-minute talking to your teenager about sex). Really practical it helps in organizing one’s affairs, particularly in having a conversation with your children about health, finances and other subjects that are often avoided. It left me very upbeat, particularly in seeing the many things I can do now rather than when it’s rather late.

Then I found Final Gifts, a book by two hospice nurses, available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. A good friend and Foreign Service colleague was dying of cancer and his three sons were having a terrible time – one was in total denial while another was highly emotional. Each threatened the other’s way of dealing with death.  Each chapter described different processes of reacting to impending death. I gave the book to each son and they soon realized that each could deal with it in their own way. Another helpful book is William Bridge’s “Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes.”

Also useful is best-seller writer and therapist Irvin Yalom’s “Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Dread of Death.” It sounds like a dreary read but it’s not. Particularly for someone like me, who hopes for but has no idea whether there is an afterlife, the book led to a very comforting conclusion, that the answer to mortality is the immortality of the good things one can leave behind, particularly actions, however small, that have helped others. Another very good book is a best-seller by Thomas Moore, a former monk, university professor and psychotherapist – “Ageless Soul: The Lifelong Journey Toward Meaning and Joy.”

Finally, I list some questions my men’s group recently discussed that helped me gain some clarity. While they were meant for a small group, they could be used just by oneself, or with a spouse or close friend. The questions led me to discover a lot. Perhaps they may for you.

1) Imagine an oncologist tells you that you have only six months to live.  How would you plan this time?  Be as specific as possible.

2) Imagine that you are observing your own funeral or memorial service.  What do you think people will say about you?  What do you hope that they will say about you?  Do you need to change anything in your life so that your friends and family will say things about you that you would like them to say?

 
We invite your comments.